Hm. Two deadlines whooshing past. Might be time to regroup.
Am stuck on scene/chapter 7 of the current revision. There are some big decisions I haven't made about characters and I'm not exactly sure where to proceed. Proceeding with a big flag that says "come back and fix this later" might get me through it.
Didn't write a blog post in March. A lot of things I didn't do in March, a lot of other things I did without planning for them.
Self-hate is on a back burner, but self-dislike is building. Anxious and angry, like I'm in a perma-triggered state with very little focus capability. Keep telling myself that is not healthy and keep reading the news anyway. Wishing I still had a pell in my backyard I could mushroom a stick on. *sigh*
Am I doing too much and not giving myself enough refueling time?
I am:
revising a novel, taking an online writing class with homework and an upcoming weekend writing workshop, trying to sell some short stories, taking part in two critique groups and a monthly scriptwriter's gathering; trying to do weekly political actions (calling representatives, writing and sending postcards, writing letters to the editor, donating money); learning french for an upcoming trip; taking voice lessons, singing in a choir (recital and concert both this month); trying to get off antidepressants (which involves daily meditation, exercise and healthy eating to avoid ... bad things); maintaining my basic household chores and little else (grocery shopping, keeping the cats fed, cooking at least four dinners a week, unloading the dishwasher, cleaning litter boxes and doing my own laundry, mostly. House is not really getting cleaned.); hobbies such as crocheting, small games like luminosity and PvZ and solitaire. I'm reading two SF novels and trying to keep up with my mag subscription short story reading. I track what I do every day because otherwise I'd forget I'd done anything at all. I try to spend time with friends once or twice a week.
I've also been spending a lot of time keeping up on FB and Twitter, which frankly have been eating as much time as some of the above.
I have not been out in the woods in ages. (It's been winter, but still). The few walks I've been able to take in nature-esque settings have been heavenly. I can't remember the last time I was in a museum. The last art show I went to, a gallery showing of a friend's work, was last year and I still haven't hung the piece I bought.
I have to learn about the happy world of VPNs because of the f*g money-grubbing for-sale legislators in Washington. Probably should have done all that five years ago, but... *sigh*
Jesus, this sounds like first-world whining in paradise.
Keep making minor epiphanies in meditation and losing them. Life is perfectly fine right now. I have a roof over my head, enough to eat, a stable financial situation, good friends and a civil relationship. It's spring and everywhere I look I see bright colors (and just today I've seen everything from power-outage-level winds and hail to gorgeous sunshine).
I just feel like there's a critter inside me scrabbling to get out and ... *partner interrupts, takes me to dinner, we have a nice long conversation* ... it must have been a hungry little asshat, because it is much calmer now. Still there, but but not as desperate. Weird.
